Annoyance~

What is left when there is no more love in our life? What is it for a person to live with each other when all they know is just to argue and fight? What is left when there is anger and annoyance everywhere in the relationship?

I had another argument with my bestest friend and one thing that trigger in my mind – is there more than friends between us? I thought that being separate a little from each other would make our relationship more closer, like what Malay idioms always say; “kalau sayang, tinggal-tinggalkan.” What kind of love is it if there must be separated from each other? Yes, people tend to get bored with each other yet is there a need to be separated from each other even for a while? Yes, it is true that we have to be separated when we have to do our own job, our own tasks, to be with our colleagues, to be with our friends, to be with our family perhaps. But why must be arguments or dislikes or annoyance when being together for more than a week? Does that mean that you are not meant for each other? Alas, it happens to me with N.

Today, I did an effort to at least dress up for him, to at least make myself pretty even though I could never be especially when extra weight is my current best friend, scars all over my face, pimples keep popping up each and every time I tend to think more than I usually do, with new lenses. All I got was “you look like you just woke up!” What more for me to say? “Yes I am.” He didn’t know that I wasted one hour to put on my fucking lenses, to put extra powder to cover up my scars and pimples. On his behalf, he did at least not wear clothes that I hate MOST. At least he wore such a descent t-shirt that aged 4 years ago. It’s ok. The ‘complement’ and the dress up.

We went to eat and to my shock (which I didn’t show that much), I rode on bricks which I couldn’t see cos it was at the other side of the car and since I’m soooo tall, I couldn’t even manage to see what is at the other end of my car. As a co-pilot, he was being such helpful and I know I made a remark that pissed him off and I’m sorry for that, yet what I said was true.

After lunch, I asked him to drive cos I had some business that I had to do and I didn’t expect him to drive like I do since my car is not automatic transmition therefore there was a lot of breakings which I felt like vomiting; until now still I feel like vomiting, just waiting for the perfect time. I asked him to stop breaking as such at the same time, trying to centralized my brain and keep telling my brain not to vomit in my car; and all I got was blame. Blaming me for ‘complaining’ on how he drove whilst all I asked was to slow down cos I felt like vomiting.

And now, instead of spending time together, we went separate ways, AGAIN, when he asked me to drop him off at the bus stop and that he will walk to where he feel like studying while I pursue my journey to the faculty to hand in the statement of claim and defence for civil procedure. It bugs me this much that I have to blog.

I know that I am unpretty right now, that I am fat, that I don’t look my best at this time yet I WILL PROVE YOU OTHERWISE.

I don’t know if we are meant for each other or not but for almost 5 years, I never dreamt of spending my whole life with another person other than you.

You just ruin my day AGAIN, and I feel so wasted for the times that I tried to dress up for you in which at the end, I couldn’t cos I’ve tried all things to make me prettier but I failed to.

And I hate your hair.


Memujuk diri sendiri~